One Day I Left and Never Came Back.

When I say that, it sounds simple and easy. But it never is and it wasn’t.

That's the thing people don't realize.

Take my first marriage. We were together for 11 years. The short version is, I left and never came back. 

But behind that short version are years of accumulated challenges, repeated conversations, arguments, things said and things left unsaid. Feelings that built up slowly until they couldn't any more.

While conflict is not a bad thing in a relationship, it is important to address it so we can approach it the right way. Conflict happens due to different opinions from partner(s) which leads to verbal disagreements and arguments. To manage conflict in a relationship it's important to have healthy and effective communication that allows you to understand each other better which will then make your relationship stronger.

Many relationships are about to collapse due to conflict.

Why is it that we only have hard conversations when there's conflict?

Picture this: you have a wonderful day. You do the things that make you happy, positive things happen throughout the day and you can rest your head on your pillow at night knowing the day was great. But you didn’t share it with anyone. You spent the day in your own company. You didn’t even share any of it on your social media.

Did it really even happen then?

Who will validate this? You have no evidence except for your feelings to confirm this.

I say the sky is blue. From where you are standing, you say it's pink. Neither are wrong and both bring a different perspective. My reality confirms its blue, and yours is pink.

I share that I loved the movie The Notebook, you disagree and say it was the worst.

When I was a Realtor, I seen this all the time. Someone’s dream home is someone else’s nightmare. Same house, both wanting to buy but both come in with a different view.

I loved the ACOTAR book series, you can’t understand why anyone would. 

Why do we avoid the uncomfortable things? All of us have at some point in time. The conversations we don't want to have, the plans we don't want to make, the money we don't want to spend. Because why would we, if it hasn't happened yet?

But what if one day it does?

I've seen this play out in my own life more times than I'd like to admit. I've watched people around me do it. And to be completely transparent, I'm still doing it in some areas of my life right now. That's actually why I wanted to write about it.

Have you ever stopped to notice that becoming an adult isn’t really about gaining new knowledge but about unlearning the old? Everything you were shown, everything passed down to you by the people who raised you, everything absorbed from the world you grew up in: at some point, you start holding it up to the light and asking, does this actually fit who I am?

That’s not a complaint toward the people who shaped you. They gave you what they had. What they knew. What they genuinely believed was best for you. And maybe a lot of it was. But some of it belonged to their lives, not yours and the longer you carry it, the more it starts to feel foreign and quite heavy.

There’s a line that continues to replay itself in my head and its so relevant to my life right now, and in pretty much every decision I’ve made up until this point and its this:

I had to do it to realize I didn't want to do it.

Maybe you had to date that person to realize they weren't right for you. Maybe you had to move to that city, take that job, start that business, not because it was the answer, but because doing it was the only way to find out.

I know this because I lived it, over and over again.

I had a moment this past week after a quick hop over to Vancouver to visit my sister that made me approach who I was giving my time and energy too.

I decided not to bring my laptop, just one overnight bag full of the necessities. I decided ahead of time that didn’t want anyone to have access to my time or energy while I was giving it to time with my sister. I honestly don’t even remember the last time I didn’t bring my laptop while I was away from home.

I told my clients ahead of time: I’m unavailable Monday and Tuesday.

Not “I’ll check in when I can.”
Not “text me if it’s urgent.”

And I meant it.

Basically, because you don't stay in one place and we need someone committed. I just moved here like 5 minutes ago, of course I didn’t know If I would like it, not enough time had passed for me to even see anything. 

So, because my relationship ended, because there was a pandemic and because the house we were living in was selling and we moved, I wasn’t getting the job.

Ouch! That hits deep to a girl who has a proven track record of not being chosen for something.

There's a theme that keeps coming up,  you hear it everywhere. People standing on stages, writing books, sharing their stories of having it all. 

The big house, the relationship, the salary, the status. Everything looked good on the outside. But on the inside, they were crumbling. Unstable. Unhappy.

I mean, I wrote a whole book about my version.

Why do we keep hearing this same story?

I think it's because we've been conditioned to chase. To strive for more, for better, for bigger. To want what looks good because what looks good is what gets us that stamp of approval. It's how we show people we've made it. That we've earned it. It's the validation we so desperately need just to feel good about ourselves and how we got there.